Samuel 'Squish' Bigara RIP Feb 2014, dd 25th July 2014.

I feel like I am alright.
I suppose I am moving, and doing, and being?
Each night filling in my activities for the following day so that I feel in control, deciding on my meals in advance - so that I remember to eat properly. Working with focus and determination. Sometimes thinking to myself 'I must remember to enjoy these moments'...

And then it hits me - winding me. The reality. Plain to see. Gutting me. Ripping a jagged hole across my chest just below my heart. Nauseating me. Bending me. Until I feel like I'm going to snap inwardly... The reality of what has happened to my carefully laid out plans.

Some of you know, some may understand this truth: when it is your third child. So well planned and expected excitedly each month - for almost a year. Wanted and desired well before those two pink lines showed up, and the phone calls to Grannies and Grandpas began. Before that status post and it's 100+ likes, that carried so many exclamation marks, and well before the premature dusting-off of baby things...

It will take time for the absolute finality to sink in. My boy. Hands still flutter absentmindedly over a now lifeless space. Darkened eyes still flit over the glowing and growing girth of friends who announced at the same time... Trying to be pleased for them but ultimately coveting...

Hearing the quiet, sad, late night words from sisters who loved you completely. The same sister who spoke with you every day and clutched my tummy to them possessively. Hearing them say 'We were so excited to have Christmas with him this year' and 'we wanted to carry him and kiss him'...

When the missed day of arrival sails by there will be fresh tearing of heart and tearing of eyes... Because: There will be no small hands to hold, no late nights, no warm soft rounded cheeks to kiss, no new eyes, no new baby smell, no little noises and tiny movements, no new fertile mind to grow. No tantrums over car seats, no crawling, jumping or running. No grasping or holding to a wet mouth. There will be no quick hugs after a fall, no first christmas, no Mama's and Dada's, no kisses on scraped knees, no climbing of trees, no first bike and training wheels, no first girlfriend, no 18th party, no wedding day, no 'first' anything. Nothing.

Just the dreams and 'memories' of a tiny little precious and beautiful boy who stole my heart, and left his mommy too soon.

RIP Samuel 'Squish' due 25th July 2014, never forgotten.

Regards,

Sandy Bigara
www.sandybigara.com

Update: Malaysia Airlines Flight Crash in Ukraine

I've seen a very disturbing article and can now say confidently, and with much sadness, that there was NO case of broken telephone this time around.

"A Malaysian Airlines passenger plane has been shot down on the Russian-Ukraine border in an 'act of terrorism', killing all 295 people on board including a reported five to ten Britons and 23 Americans.
The Boeing 777 aircraft was hit by a sophisticated surface-to-air missile over territory near Donetsk held by pro-Russian rebels who the Ukrainian government says are backed by the Kremlin.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2696161/BREAKING-NEWS-Malaysian-passenger-plane-carrying-295-people-crashes-Ukraine-near-Russian-border.html#ixzz37lSVxgdk
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook"


RIP to the passengers and crew of Malaysian Airlines flight MH17. Heartbroken. My thoughts are with their families at this time. Also heavy on our minds: Israel and Palestine... Hoping as always for peace to prevail.

Regards,

Sandy Bigara
www.sandybigara.com

Russia Shot Plane Over Ukraine Fact or Fiction?

I'm sure we're experiencing a case of 'broke down telephone' again. There are reports of another Malaysia Airways Boeing crashing (after being shot) - but at the same time, in a less viral way, reports are surfacing of a Jet that has been shot down over Ukraine.

Your thoughts?

Here are the articles:

Malaysia Airways Boeing has crash landed on Ukraine border.May have been shot down.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/ukraine/10974050/Malaysia-Airlines-plane-crashes-on-Ukraine-Russia-border-live.html

VIDEO FOOTAGE
Fuller write-up: Malaysia Airlines plane crash: 295 killed after Boeing passenger jet 'shot down' in Ukraine.
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/malaysia-airlines-plane-crash-boeing-jet-carrying-295-people-crashes-in-ukraine-9612882.html

Is it not possibly this plane:
Ukraine conflict: Russia accused of shooting down jet (posted an hour before I posted this)
http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-28345039

Here again, perhaps this is a fighter jet down, and not another Malaysia Airlines Plane:
Ukraine accuses Russia of shooting down fighter jet
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2014/07/17/us-russia-ukraine-sanctions/12771143/
Regards,

Sandy Bigara
www.sandybigara.com

CSI in South Africa: The Challenges

Ok. So. CSI could never be a real thing in South Africa. Just read the following excerpt from a local newspaper and let me know your thoughts (my comments in brackets): 

"Pastor held, body parts found at KZN church
While the remains of Kiki Ntuli had been found in a plastic bag on Saturday, forensic specialists who probed the pastor's yard found more bones on Thursday, said Captain Thulani Zwane.

"The bones have been taken for forensic analysis to verify whether they are those of a human being or not," Zwane said. (?)

The 51-year-old pastor had, however, not been charged. (Although the remains of a small child and other bones/body parts were found with and around this pastor)

Zwane said investigations were ongoing. (That is reassuring to hear Zwane.)

While searching for the rest of Ntuli's body parts on Tuesday, police discovered a skull and skeleton at a woman's house in Ncotshane. (Imagine a skull. And a skeleton., if you will. These were PEOPLE who have FAMILY who LOVE them...)

It was unclear whether those bones were linked to the Ntuli case or whether they were that of a human being. (What did the skull and skeleton look like? it says SKULL and not Skull Fragments, and it says SKELETON and not Bone fragments... I'm at a loss here.)

The bones were taken for forensic testing. (Thank. god.)

Angry residents went on the rampage on Tuesday and torched the pastor's church and woman's house. (Cheerio crime scene! No more testing and possible justice for you!)

Fifteen people were arrested for violence (the burning of the crime scenes) and were scheduled to appear before the Ncotshane Magistrate's Court on Thursday. (Ok...)

The court was, however, petrol bombed (by friends of the burners of the crime scene, because, lawlessness) on Wednesday night. (Of course it was, because, vigilantism)

The group (who burned the Crime Scenes, or the group who mutilated the bodies?) finally appeared in the Pongola Magistrate's Court on Friday, where they were released on a warning. ("You were naughty to burn the crime scene/s and/or kill these nice people and your friends were naughty to bomb the courthouse! Now go home and think about that! Naughty!")

(What in theeee hell is going on in this world. 
I just cant. Even. Just can't )

The Emperor

I'm sorry, but I don't want to be an emperor. That's not my business. I don't want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone - if possible - Jew, Gentile - black man - white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other's happiness - not by each other's misery. We don't want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men's souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost....

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men - cries out for universal brotherhood - for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world - millions of despairing men, women, and little children - victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people.

To those who can hear me, I say - do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed - the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. .....

Soldiers! don't give yourselves to brutes - men who despise you - enslave you - who regiment your lives - tell you what to do - what to think and what to feel! Who drill you - diet you - treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don't give yourselves to these unnatural men - machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don't hate! Only the unloved hate - the unloved and the unnatural! Soldiers! Don't fight for slavery! Fight for liberty!

In the 17th Chapter of St Luke it is written: "the Kingdom of God is within man" - not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people have the power - the power to create machines. The power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.

Then - in the name of democracy - let us use that power - let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world - a decent world that will give men a chance to work - that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfil that promise. They never will!

Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people! Now let us fight to fulfil that promise! Let us fight to free the world - to do away with national barriers - to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men's happiness. Soldiers! in the name of democracy, let us all unite!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dGPo9XBIPA

Speech by Charlie Chaplin in movie "The Great Dictator" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Dictator 

STOP BULLYING! Poem: Sticks and Stones by Sandy Bigara

Sticks and Stones

Sandy Bigara

I am porcelain.

I am glass.

I am fine, bone-white china.

When you speak to me the way you do,

You make yet another crack that I have to mend.

A fissure that festers with malicious intent.

You walk away, feeling relieved?

Entitled?

And you leave me broken, chipped, fractured…

I walk to the mirror of my mind and I see scars, rips, torn identity…

A patchwork of badly mended design.

I lower my eyes as I feel ashamed –

What if your words are true?

They are not.

What if your intentions are good?

They are not.

What if you say what you say in love?

You do not.

Your words are like a pick-axe,

Every syllable sharpened like flint.

You poke, prod and pierce my heart,

Casually. Pointedly. Unaware.

When I feel that hope is almost lost,

When my mind starts to pull away from the person that I AM,

I turn and look into the eyes of my family, my friends,

Those who know me truly…

And I see my reflection from their point of view.

I look strong.

I look whole.

I look smooth and confident.

Only I know the full extent of the damage done by you.

Perhaps too late you will see me truly, as they do.

Perhaps too late.

© 2012 Sandy Doherty-Bigara 

HOTLINES:

Depression 

• Suicide Hotline (US, UK, Canada & Singapore): 1-800-SUICIDE (2433)
• Suicide hotline (New Zealand): 0800 543 354
• Depression hotline: 1-630-482-9696
• Suicide Crisis Line: 1-800-999-9999
• National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-TALK (8245)
• National Adolescent Suicide Helpline: 1-800-621-4000
• Postpartum Depression: 1-800-PPD-MOMS
• NDMDA Depression Hotline – Support Group: 1-800-826-3632
• Veterans: 1-877-VET2VET
• Crisis Help Line – For Any Kind of Crisis: 1-800-233-4357
• Suicide & Depression Crisis Line – Covenant House: 1-800-999-9999

Domestic Abuse

• National Child Abuse Helpline: 1-800-422-4453
• National Domestic Violence Crisis Line: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
• National Domestic Violence Hotline (TDD): 1-800-787-32324
• Center for the Prevention of School Violence: 1-800-299-6504
• Child Abuse Helpline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
• Domestic Violence Helpline: 1-800-548-2722
• Healing Woman Foundation (Abuse): 1-800-477-4111
• Child Abuse Hotline Support & Information: 1-800-792-5200
• Women’s Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline (UK): 0345 023 468
• Sexual Abuse Centre (UK): 0117 935 1707
• Sexual Assault Support (24/7, English & Spanish): 1-800-223-5001
• Domestic & Teen Dating Violence (English & Spanish): 1-800-992-2600
• Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk
• Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

Alcohol & Drug Abuse

• National Association for Children of Alcoholics: 1-888-55-4COAS (1-888-554-2627)
• National Drug Abuse: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
• Al-Anon/Alateen Hope & Help for young people who are the relatives & friends of a problem drinker): 1-800-344-2666
• Alcohol/Drug Abuse Hotline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
• Be Sober Hotline: 1-800-BE-SOBER (1-800-237-6237)
• Cocaine Help Line: 1-800-COCAINE (1-800-262-2463)
• 24 Hour Cocaine Support Line: 1-800-992-9239
• Ecstasy Addiction: 1-800-468-6933
• Marijuana Anonymous: 1-800-766-6779
• Drinkline (UK): 0800 9178282
• Frank (UK): 0800776600

Youth & Teen Hotlines

• National Youth Crisis Support: 1-800-448-4663
• Youth America Hotline: 1-877-YOUTHLINE (1-877-968-8454)
• Covenant House Nine-Line (Teens): 1-800-999-9999
• Boys Town National: 1-800-448-3000
• Teen Helpline: 1-800-400-0900
• TeenLine: 1-800-522-8336
• Youth Crisis Support: 1-800-448-4663 or 1-800-422-0009
• Runaway Support (All Calls are Confidential): 800-231-6946
• Childline: (UK Only) 0800 1111
• Kids Helpline (Australia) 1800 55 1800
•  b-eat youthline (UK): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Pregnancy Hotlines

• AAA Crisis Pregnancy Center: 1-800-560-0717
• Pregnancy Support: 1-800-4-OPTIONS (1-800-467-8466)
• Pregnancy National Helpline: 1-800-356-5761
• Young Pregnant Support: 1-800 550-4900

Gay and Lesbian Hotlines

• The Trevor Helpline (For homosexuality questions or problems): 1-800-850-8078
• Gay & Lesbian National Support: 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)
• Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) Youth Support Line: 1-800-850-8078
• Lesbian & Gay Switchboard: (UK Only) 0121 622 6589
• Lothian Gay & Lesbian Switchboard – Scotland: (Scotland Only) 0131 556 4049

Other Hotlines

• Self-Injury Support: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288) (www.selfinjury.com)
• Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: 1-800-931-2237 (Hours: 8am-noon daily, PST)
• Eating Disorders Center: 1-888-236-1188
• Help Finding a Therapist: 1-800-THERAPIST (1-800-843-7274)
• Panic Disorder Information and Support: 1-800-64-PANIC (1-800-647-2642)
• TalkZone (Peer Counselors): 1-800-475-TALK (1-800-475-2855)
• Parental Stress Hotline: 1-800-632-8188
• National AIDS Helpline: (UK) 0800 567 123
• Samaritans (UK): 08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org
• b-eat eating disorder support (UK): 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk
• Mind infoline (UK mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk
• Mind legal advice (UK): 0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk
• Cruse Bereavement Care (UK): 08444779400 helpline@cruse.org.uk

Swedish Hotlines (all of these are anonymous)

• Nationella Hjälplinjen (National Help Line) 020-22 00 60 | open 13-22
• BRIS (children’s rights in society, must be 18 or younger, and is for children that are in /any/ bad situation) 116 111 | open 10-22 (calls to BRIS will /not/ show up on the bill!)
• kvinnofridslinjen (women’s line) 020-50 50 50 | open all day